Problems and Victories

October 12, 2013- Bonanza's first Marching Band Competition for the year.

I'm sure that somewhere in the fold of reality there is an explanation for how the incoming freshmen seem more immature than the previous freshmen. I haven't found it yet.
This year I've been worried about the freshies in my section, especially the ones that are actually freshmen, and not older band people being moved into my section.  They all mess around and say things that are neither funny nor intelligent.  They've been better lately about being quiet during rehearsals, but I was ready for this competition to be over already. In the back of my mind I thought that once they went to a competition they would suddenly be mature and competent.
Right before we went out to perform, we lost a triangle beater. It was ok, we found a temporary solution and had a good show. Back in the parking lot everything was reorganized and prepared to load into the U-haul. That is when I realized three things. One, we had lost a triangle, Two, our Gong had a crack, and Three at least one person knew this and none of them told anyone. (especially me)
I found all of this out when I went through to check that everything was there. Then I got to go and tell my instructor and my director what was going on.  The past few days (weeks, months) have been very stressful. I have done some kind of amazing things, figuring stuff out, helping everyone, making sure everyone gets, has, and does what they need. Just fixing problems and trying to make life easier for the people in charge who are going crazy. Now, I feel like it's not even worth it. What good are small victories when they get replaced by big problems?  At the time they gave me a sense of confidence and control, so I'll just try to focus on that.
Even after all that happened, my freshies still act...like freshies. Should I have been more hard on them? It doesn't seem like they understood the impact of what happened. I was in a bad mood for a bit. I had too much time to think, and when someone interrupted my thoughts I wasn't too kind. I called Mom once we had everything put away, and broke down. A few people noticed, and they were nice about it, they helped keep the pit in line for the rest of the day. I didn't let on to anyone else what exactly happened, I don't want them to ever see me like this; it would change things, they need to see me as some one who won't take crap and knows how to handle themselves. When we got to the stands to see the rest of the bands I didn't make them sit with me. I don't think I could've handled it. 
People are right when they say that the Band and the Sections are a family. Today I felt many emotions similar to those that i feel with with my own siblings. But they aren't my siblings, so i couldn't yell or throw things even though I wanted to, and I couldn't go hide in my room. When I got home and helped do the dishes with much resistance on every part, I realized that I didn't feel like the pit members were my brothers and sisters, I felt like I was their mother. I still like kids, but I'm not ready to be a mom, so I'm still hoping that they will suddenly grow up so I can feel like an empty-nester. 

One other thing, because my life revolves around relating everything to a movie. (And I'm tired of sad stuff)
    The Incredibles: Cave after Elastigirl leaves
Not that this isn't fun... But I'm gonna go look around    (ect. ect.)
Do you think this is some kind of Vacation?
    And: In the car on the way home from fighting a giant Robot
This was the best Vacation ever! I love our family.

They just don't understand that this isn't a Vacation, this is a Competition. And no one should have to be your mother.

Book Sympathy

   It's a thing, I have it. I call it Book Sympathy, but it could also be called book empathy. It's caused by book cruelty and thoughtlessness.
    This is a story about a book. A good book; a beautiful book, with creased edges and a smooth shiny cover. This book was bought along with four others in a custom fit box that sat on a shelf. All of these books were read, enjoyed, lived in, and carefully put back on the shelf for future enjoyment. The future came and a girl came to read these books. She was an inexperienced little girl who didn't suffer from book sympathy and didn't understand the joy and suffering books could contain. She made her way through these books casually and sporadically until she reached that book. This book left the shelf and saw many places the other books didn't see (ex: The car, the pool) and touched substances the other books didn't touch (ex: ??watercolor paint maybe??) and it's spine stretched in scary ways. When I found it, my heart died like so many trees that fall under the blows of a woodsman. This book was cried over and returned safely to the box on the shelf with its friends. The cover is torn, the pages are folded and ripped in places.
    My heart bleeds bleeds bleeds and cries for those who suffer from book sympathy and for those who cause it. So far there is no cure for Book Sympathy, but the only victim is myself. Don't scar the books and don't let them suffer alone.

For Alayna

 I realize that this is a little early, but you know why... so suck it up. Read it later.
Hopefully this will end the past month of catering to you and waiting upon your every need (although it was enjoyable for most of us as well) it is becoming very exhausting.

 Well, it's your birthday, and you are getting REALLY old. You will be heading off to college soon, and I won't be able to be with you all the time, but that's okay.  We spend so much time together and you are one of my best friends (I DO have other friends you know).  
 To ease your parting, for me at least, I made a list. Now that it's written though, I don't think it will actually help that much. But, for all your old friends, new friends, and friends you  haven't met yet; and mostly for you, here it is.

TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU

• I hate the way you are always right
• I hate the way you win every game
• I hate the way you aren't there when I make a deeply fabulous reference
• I hate the way you get songs stuck in my head
• I hate the way you quote stuff that isn't funny
• I hate the way you compel me to watch shows with you
• I hate the way you eat all the strawberry yogurt first
• I hate how you are more talented than everyone else
• I hate how you will leave me and go away to college

But mostly...

• I hate the way I don't hate you, not even a little, not even at all.

I love you Alayna, Happy Birthday.

Your 'Lil Sis'

and if any of you don't get what I'm referencing... look it up

I will Survive

   Today is my big sister's Grad Nite at Six Flags. I miss her, things aren't the same at home without her.  It's not like I can't survive 24-hours without her, I just love her so darn much.  I often say that I don't know what I'll do when she goes to college, and it's true.  But today I was reminded that I have great friends (I know, it's amazing). 
   My life is forever being scheduled and planned around, practically running from place to place. I hardly ever do something out of the blue and spur of the moment. "Hanging out" isn't something I'm used to doing. I see friends at school, we do movie nights sometimes, it's constant and normal. Today my friend Emily persuaded me to go to Tropical Smoothie with her after school. This year we don't see a lot of each other, we don't have classes together, but I see her every morning before school starts.  I was reluctant at first, I had stuff to do and I knew Alayna was leaving at 2:30. It took a lot of coaxing and guilting, but I agreed to ask my mom when she picked me up.
 ---Backing up a bit, I said a lot of coaxing. In fact, Emily came to my 5th period (using her confidence and credible background from Broadcasting) and took me out of class. Emily does not have Broadcasting 5th period. She has lunch. It was a very nice 10 minutes, in the lunch I almost had, with my friends.
   My Mom said it was fine, she'd call when she dropped off Alayna to see if I needed to be picked up. Emily and I started walking to Tropical Smoothie. We got there pretty quickly, because it isn't far and we both walk fast. We talked a lot. We talked about missions and missionaries, school, books, movies, life. Another friend joined us for a bit just before I left.
I can be happy with other people. Nothing has to be a big deal. I will survive when Alayna leaves, because I have great friends who will never let me die (a bit extreme I know).  I love awesome people. It's a good thing I know so many of them.

Almost...

Mother always says that "almost" only counts in horse-shoes and hand-grenades. 

Recently I watched "The Princess and the Frog" . One of my favorite songs is "Almost There". Tiana talks about being so close to fulfilling her dream. Later on she finds out that what she needs isn't the same as what she wants. She finds out what's important.

 

This morning I encountered a much sadder version of someone being "almost there".

Seminary is a place for enrichment and peace, if you let it. But it can't influence you if you miss it! To be in the parking lot, or wandering the halls, or hanging out in the bathroom are some of the worst ways to be so close and not be willing to make the commitment to go all the way. To see people that you know and love give up is depressing. Just being in the room is a better opportunity to feel peace in a small way. This is what you need, and it will help you find out what's important in your life. That's the only way you can eventually fulfill your dream, by doing what you need to do.

Lately I've noticed how amazing some people are, like suddenly I understand how much they do and I'm so proud of them. Today it was the opposite.

I blog infrequently. But sometimes I have something that I need to say that can't be said out loud. They will never read this, and they will never know that they're who I'm talking about. Which is good because I just want to forget it, but I can only do that if they start acting differently, and I'm not sure when or if they will. I hope none of you will be to stubborn to go all the way there, I hope you won't have to say "Almost".

This is One of Those Times

Able: having necessary power, skill, resources, or qualifications; qualified

Can: to have the power or means to do something

As you can see, these are two slightly different things. Just because you are ABLE to do something doesn't necessarily mean that you CAN do it. Sometimes thing are just not possible and sometimes things shouldn't be possible. We try do do everything and make everything possible, but sometimes it doesn't work like you want. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes you have to let go and move on. This is one of those times.